Step 1: DENIAL
I don’t need to explain to you what denial is, so instead I will give you some examples that I remember from my various trials with gentlemen and body image:
Someone isn't acknowledging the pink elephant in the room.
“I know that you are supposed to eat at least 1200 calories a day, but I don’t need really need to.”
“Even though I am a size [way too small] I’m still not too skinny.”
“I have no idea why I feel like I am going to faint all the time. I mean, I just ate an apple.”
“I hate it when people say that I don’t eat! I eat three times a day. Just because I don’t eat a lot doesn’t mean there’s a problem.”
“Being this thin may be trying but it makes me feel so wonderful that the ’side effects’ [aka ruining your life] are worth it.”
or
“Ok, so maybe we fight a lot, but when things are good, things are really really good.”
“We’ve known each other for so long that we are more like family, so it’s ok that we don’t really like each other. We’re connected for ever.”
“I’m putting up with this now because he has promised he will marry me. It’s just going to take some time.”
“He’s only so incredibly jealous all the time because he realizes how lucky he is to be with me.”
“That time he [called me a name, hit me, screamed at me in public, threatened me] doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. He was just blinded with rage because of something bad that I did.”
“Sometimes I feel like the only way to get his attention is to do something drastic, like starve myself, drink to oblivion, flirt with lots of other guys, or act like I don’t like him at all.”
“I know that being with him is so painful, but I would rather be miserable with him than miserable without him.”
Step 2: THE BREAKUP
If you're at his house, in a restaurant, at the altar, just abandon.
Every unhealthy/dangerous cycle of behaviors, whether it be a toxic relationship or ED, has a breaking point: the point at which things can’t continue as they are. In EDs, it unfortunately, is sometimes death, but in other cases it is simply “hitting rock bottom.” Perhaps you are fainting and can’t get through a day at work, or so much of your hair has begun falling out, or you can’t sleep through a night because it hurts to lie down. Whatever it is, you realize that the reason you can’t function/think/live/love/have fun is because you are starving, and if you ever want your life back, you have to make some changes. Maybe you were wrong- maybe x number of calories a day or x number of pounds on your frame isn’t enough to sustain life. The breakup here has to come from you, though. Your parents might throw you in the hospital or your boss might force you to take sick leave to get help, but until you are ready to change, there will be not change. That’s why the breakup is so important. You are dumping your old lifestyle with the knowledge that it has ruined you and the only way to be happy again is to get some help.
Similarly, breakups happen in relationships (duh). In this case, either you or your significant other can initiate the break. Either way, in toxic relationships, it is usually equally painful. This is because toxic relationships don’t allow for clean breaks.
“I love you, but I’m just not ready for that level of commitment right now.”
“I need some space to be on my own before we get married.”
“I love you, but you make me so unhappy that we can’t be together.”
“Our relationship is too intense- too much fighting, too much emotion, just too much.”
You see, these breakups never happen because you stop loving each other. On the contrary, you might feel closer than ever because you miss the person so much. But now is the time to acknowledge that this is not a “break,” it is a break-up. Much like too much weight loss literally eats away at your body, a toxic relationship eats away at your psyche. Acknowledge, whether you dumped him or he dumped you [I am using the pronoun "him" simply because it applies to my voice] that the relationship is OVER and nothing will get you back together. That’s why you broke up.
9 Comments
November 13, 2009 at 4:31 pm
So true so true. Now, I had the wherewithall to get rid of toxic boyfriends…too bad I let myself hit the rock bottom multiple times before I decided to finally break up with the ED.
happiness awaits
November 13, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Really intriguing post. I love your point about the finality of a breakup. I’ve never had an ED, but I’ve been guilty of trying to stay friends with disordered habits. “Oh, I can still do this, I just won’t get carried away this time…” It never works.
November 14, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I love that photo with Marilyn Monroe! You’ve got great thoughts on this post. Well done!
November 15, 2009 at 3:44 am
Incredible post! More, please!
November 17, 2009 at 2:36 am
Do you think you could do a post about being in a relationship and in recovery? I love how positive you are about where you at, but also how honest you are that it is a daily struggle to continue to resist ED. My question for you is how you handle this regarding your fiancee? How soon did he know when you began dating? Did you feel compelled to tell him after a certain point, or did he figure it out? How much is he involved in your recovery, if at all?
Thanks!
November 17, 2009 at 7:33 am
if you ever want your life back, you have to make some changes. <– I like this.
November 19, 2009 at 5:34 am
This is a terrific post and so true. A really toxic relationship (one that cycles through dysfunction, making up, dysfunction, making up, etc) is co-dependent and damaging to both people involved. The tough thing, as you suggest, is calling it quits. That’s why it’s called “dependent.” All of that said, some “bad” relationships aren’t toxic, just bad. In those cases, it’s possible, with good, clear thinking and action, to make the relationship good again, if they were to begin with.
November 20, 2009 at 8:06 pm
This is honestly really scary for me, because every single one of the first 5 quotes I truly echoed and believed at a too-recent point in my life. What’s scarier is that behind those denial statements were 100% feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, shame and fear…I know for me, therapy was necessary to go from Step 1 to Step 2, since my brain could not and would not go along with it. It has been a really hard journey, but it’s so great to see women like you who can I relate to and inspire me
HUGSSSS ANAA heart u!!!
November 23, 2009 at 2:59 am
[...] Recipes Break Up with Your Boyfriend or Recover from an Eating Disorder in 10 Easy Steps! Part 1 [...]