Gorgies- thank you for your lovely reactions to my silly last post. Life is literally draining me, but I had something interesting happen to me this week that I thought I would share with you. No, not the tasteless OM3 that took place on Gossip Girl…
I refuse to dignify GG's writers with an attempt to express my disdain for last night's ickiness. That is all.
I was approaching my trip to the “doctor’s” (red: therapist/nutritionist/md – no point in sugar-coating!) with particular enthusiasm. I hadn’t been in two weeks, and to be totally honest I was feleing uh-mazing!! I had been up to tons of exciting stuff recently…
I was recognized on the Metro the other day- (Hi lady- so nice to meet you!!!)- by a reader!!!
Not that I should be TOO surprised- I do stick out like a sore thumb at ALL times.
I had rekindled my love affair with “off-black” stockings…
My girlfriends celebrated my birthday (which is really this coming Saturday) over the weekend with a lovely dinner out…
My wedding is in 68 days…
And I’d been indulging in the Whole Foods salad bar (curried tempeh?! balsamic roasted tofu?! charred eggplant salad?!!!! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) more often than my wallet would prefer, but it was doing wonderful things for my tummy’s mental health!
Some might think "buying" mental health is an off-color idea, but you are talking to the wrong girl. I bought my friends by joining a sorority, bought my fiance with pairs of confidence-boosting 5-inch stilettos, bought my way into a fancy job by wearing fancy clothes, and dammit, I am going to buy my happiness with tempeh!!!
What were we talking about? Shopping? Oh, right. So you see, I had many happy things to tell my therapist yesterday. Of course first came my monthly-ish appointment with my nutritionist. The same drill ocurrs each time- I summarize some stuff, get weighed, we talk about the same stuff that I already know, and that’s it. Although I don’t know the exact number, my nutritionist will tell me if I went up or down on the scales. Yesterday I was up 2.5lbs from where I was 6 weeks ago. I immediately felt miserable and horrible about myself.
Suddenly, I forgot about all of the wonderful things I was about to report to my therapist and started crying the second I sat down in her office.
BULL SH**.
I finally came to a decision that empowered me even more than than lusting over Blair’s fetching red dress replete with festive plumage, adorable side ponytail, and perfectly-coordinated-yet-contrasting-accessories made me feel…
Goddess
I decided I didn’t want to be weighed AT ALL anymore. No more. I know in my heart that my, um, lady troubles start tomorrow and that is most likely why the number was up, but truthfully, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW regardless! Hearing about weight gain makes me unhappy and learning of weight loss makes me happy. Neither are a good thing- I’m simply reminded of the misconceptions and lies that I tell myself. I have been telling my doctors that I hate being weighed, but I knew it was time for me to put my foot down and tell them enough was enough.
And ya know what else? I didn’t want to have to regularly see a nutritionist anymore. When you have an eating disorder for, hmm, 13 years, you kind of out-expert the experts. She even admitted there is nothing she could teach me, and frankly, the less I think about WHAT I’m eating, the better I am. I’ve been eating the same-ish healthy diet for a year and a half and talking about it on a regular basis felt not only futile, but limiting. Yes, I eat my whole grains, protein, fats, fruits, and veggies. Yes I occasionally have treats. No I don’t binge. No I don’t restrict. Enough already!
So I simply asked my md to let them (1) stop weighing me and to (2) turn any nutritionist appointments to an as-needed basis. And you know what? She completely agreed and thought this was a healthy attitude. Healthy people don’t need to see nutritionists because they are eating and exercising FINE and ya know what? I am just fine.
Please note that I don’t recommend this to anyone who is in the thrust of an eating problem, but for me, continuing to dwell on it just makes it worse. I don’t really talk about it with my therapist or my fiance anymore. Talking about my dissatisfaction with my appearance or my anxiety around food only makes these irrational feelings more REAL. It only acknowledges them. And frankly? I don’t want to give those thoughts any credit.
So that’s why I decided that in my many efforts to reduce my stress, one of them will be to not to “feed” my eating disorder by evaluating the things I eat so I can update my nutritionist accurately, by knowing that my weight has gone up or down, by trying to “dig” to the center of my insecurities. As far as I and anyone else I know can tell, I am healthy and doing fine. I’d rather think about Kim Kardashian, stuffed animals, and sipping Temperanillo in a piazza with my love than think about my anxieties surrounding food. Enough!
Check it- my priorities are STRAIGHT, yo.
All right folks- thanks for reading. I have surgery on Saturday, and after that I will be out of the office for a couple of weeks so I hope to update during recovery. Perhaps you might get a painkiller-induced litany of honest truths, or an ode to Kim Kardashian. Either way, I’m going to be in my jammies with Mike at my service for at least a week so I’ll have plenty of time to write something incoherent fetching. Cheers!
17 Comments
November 11, 2009 at 9:06 pm
I think it is awesome that you have made such a firm decision about your treatment. I really hope that it is the right move for you and that it spurs you on in your recovery.
November 11, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Reading that post just makes me thing “God she’s great”. Healthy attitude, hillarious blog, clearly on the road to a complete recovery. Good for you.
November 11, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Your posts, Miss Anna, are the definition of hilarity. Thank you for being you!
Also, the steps you’ve taken in these past few months are awesome…you sound like you are doing wonderful and have a great attitude toward health. I’ve stopped regularly weighing myself, also. As long as I know I feel good, that’s all that really matters…I just try to eat healthy 80% of the time and not worry about the beer/wine/m&ms/extra buttery roll i might have with dinner.
So happy you are doing well!
November 11, 2009 at 11:25 pm
This post made me grin from ear to ear. I think its so important to remember what works for you, and if your doctor is onboard, then more power to you!
Take care of yourself, and I hope that your surgery goes smoothly.
November 12, 2009 at 12:45 am
Your posts always make me so happy, hopeful and dare I say – giddy! Congrats on your wonderful progress and good luck with your surgery – I’m sending good thoughts your way!
November 12, 2009 at 12:55 am
I am always so excited when my google reader tells me there is a new post from you. Loved the post–so proud of you. Isn’t it so liberating!
How long are you laid up from the surgery? I quit my job and my last day is a week from tomorrow so let me know if you want me to stop by with gossip magazines and chicken noodle soup! We need to get together!
happiness awaits
November 12, 2009 at 1:30 am
Great post! Good luck with your surgery and I hope your recovery goes quickly.
November 12, 2009 at 2:58 am
I admire you for admitting all this stuff to us and I’m proud of you for switching to as-needed appointments.
I have to ask though – do you workout? or does that just fuel the food obsession further (no pun intended)? Because you might feel way better about yourself if you started working out – the adrenoline and endorphins and such. Plus a lot of people RUN so that they can eat – literally.
But I never heard you discuss workouts on your blog – only food – so thats why I wondered if you worked out or not. Sorry if this triggers anything – totally not my intention!
November 12, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Sarah, thank you for your comment! Yes, I do exercise, and it brings me great happiness. I walk about 6 miles a day- uphill in the morning and downhill in the afternoon, to and from work. I absolutely love it!
November 12, 2009 at 3:12 am
This post made me smile. You are a true inspiration and you should be proud of yourself for taking such a huge step for yourself.
November 12, 2009 at 3:18 am
OK, I am more of lurker than a commenter. But I have to say, this was one of the best blog posts I have ever read, on your blog or any other, hands down. It shows such maturity and depth and grace and true recovery. You rock Anna.
Also, I miss your posts like crazy, but I wonder if not posting your meals several times a week is also allowing you to move away from thinking about “food issues” as often? Just a thought… I know I could never be a blogger because it seems to give food/exercise an even more central role in daily life than it already has and I want to avoid that. I would love more kim kardashian, girl’s night out, wedding planning, etc posts from you though. 
good luck with the surgery and thanks again for your refreshing honesty.
November 12, 2009 at 3:51 am
Seriously solid post, oozing with self affirmation and in YO FACE
You sound so confident in this decision and it sounds exactly right to me, it’s like there is a point where enough is enough…and if your happiness is at stake with a stupid number or appointment, then you have to do whatever you need to make your happiness the number one. Good luck lovieeeee with surgery and everything, 
XOXO (gossip girrrrl)
November 12, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Another lurker here who just wants to applaud your post. Having struggling with an eating disorder for ten years, I had a similar moment during recovery. I put my foot down and said no more scales, no more meal planning, no more obsessing about the details. It was SO freeing! It’s scary, but you learn that you actually can trust yourself to make good choices. And then you find yourself thinking about so many more fun things with all that brain space you’d previously devoted to negative thoughts about food and weight.
Anyway, cheers!
November 12, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I’m so glad to see you’ve made your own decision. That’s a great thing to let go of. Numbers don’t mean anything!
As always, I just LOVE your insights into GG, fashion, and everything. You’re hilarious and have such great style!
November 13, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Hi Anna — I am the weirdo who approached you in the metro on Monday! It was so nice to finally meet you after following you for over a year. I am glad that I worked up the “courage” to approach you…next time I won’t be as hesitant.
After reading this post I just wanted to tell you that you look great, and congratulations on your no-scale resolution! Good luck with the surgery!
November 16, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Anna, I applaud you. I am also in recovery, doing quite well for almost 2 years, and one thing that I find that is key is avoiding the scale. It’s just not important! I am expecting a baby in May and one of my priorities in finding a healthcare provider to deliver the baby is that he/she did not insist on weighing me. Luckily, I found a group of midwives who have never made me get on a scale. They can tell everything’s fine by looking at me, and the scale makes me neurotic, so it’s a win-win for me. Good luck to you and congratulations!
November 21, 2009 at 7:53 am
Girlfriend! You always crack me up! Glad you are back:-) Aloha, Amanda