Boobs

Jump to Comments

Yeah, I didn’t sugar coat that title did I?  Whatever, it’s an important topic to me.  Aren’t boobs amazing?  They carry out the miracle of birth by  nourishing tiny babies so they can grow.  Yet somehow, they have also managed to become a somewhat controversial body part.  On the one hand, they embody female vitality and life-giving physicality- such beautiful, positive, holy things.  On the other hand, they can evoke lust, greed, and envy (Real Housewives of New Jersey?  Monica Lewinsky?).

Oh yeah, and gentlemen fancy them.

As if all this weren’t confusing enough, many women today are utterly dissatisfied with their breast size that (if you believe in God) God Himself bestowed upon them.  Tiny-breasted girls want bigger, more voluptuous breasts so they can have that enviable bit of cleavage that the Victoria’s Secret models display on more billboards, magazine ads, and television commercials than I really think is appropriate.

Can't we keep the pictures of ladies in their undies to men's recreational and women's fashion magazines? Puh-leeze? Do I really want to see Gisele Bundchen's butt cheek while I am trying to watch the news with my father?

Larger-chested girls, on the other hand, long to be able to look cute and flirty in halter tops or fun bikinis, but find that their ample bosom is so dominant that even button-down shirts can look trashy.

Have I mentioned that minimizer brassieres are not sexy?

Le sigh.  This whole issue became very prevalent in my battles with anorexia.  As a ballet dancer, you basically need to have a flat chest to spend your life doing jumps in these leotards that provide absolutely no support to your body.  They are so skimpy that you can’t wear a sports bra underneath.  When I was going through puberty, I was terribly embarrassed of my rapidly-growing bosom in ballet class.  I felt sloppy and oafish with my growing upper-body curves while my naturally-stick-thin classmates seemed spritelike with the clean, straight lines of their chest regions.  I went through all kinds of lengths to try to disguise them- matronly leotards, extra brassieres, and the worst, literally duct-taping my chest to flatten it out.  Removing the layers of sweat-soaked silver tape after class is one of the most physically painful memories of my life.

Fast forward to today, 2009.  Here I am, hopefully almost entirely recovered from my most recent relapse.  I have put on a significant amount of weight in the last year, and I will admit it has been terribly difficult to transition from (at my sickest)  feeling like one of those sprite-like girls in my ballet class to  (now) attempting to embrace my God-given figure.  I know deep in my heart that I am not naturally skinny, and when I am skinny, I am sick.  Likewise, I know that when I am so thin that I have a smaller bosom- that is not me.  That is not my natural figure.  So I’m working on accepting and maybe someday embracing the ample chest I naturally have. 

In the meantime, my years of dealing with my chest (my bra size is so obscure, 99% of stores don’t even carry it!) have resulted in an implicit understanding of undergarments, cuts of clothes, and flattery.  So here’s a couple for us curvy-chested lasses:

1.  Regular replacement of undergarments is key.  The bras you wear are working about a million times harder than Kate Hudson’s, and their structure will reflect that.  The more you wear your bra, the more the straps stretch and have trouble lying flat, the more the cups lose their shape, the more the elasticity of the garment loses its structure.  As such, replace your bras often.  Like every six months to a year.  It sounds exorbitant, but once you go into a store and try on a new, fresh bra, you will immediately feel the difference.

2.  Different bras for different tops.  This sounds like a no-brainer, but it really isn’t.  I have this one down to an art form.  I have one bra that doesn’t do tons of compression, and as a result, my “friends” are less pushed-together, and it gives me way less cleavage.  I wear this little number whenever I am wearing a V-neck shirt so I don’t get the whole icky Atlantic City coin slot look. 

You could hide a pack of Newport lights in there.

Likewise, on the rare occasion that I do wear a crewneck top, I use a combination of my sturdiest minimizer underneath a seamless bra.  This makes them look under control, but the top layer smooths out any lumps cause by the compression.  If I am wearing a scoopneck, I don’t wear my most uplifting undergarment to minimize the little foothills that can form underneath the clavicle a la Christina Hendricks.

3.  You don’t need sexy lingerie underneath your clothes to look good.  Stop trying to purchase flimsy little balconettes and demis with bows, floral applique, and God-knows what else.  At the end of the day, a sturdy minimizer with thick straps and a supportive (read:  fuller cut) back will work hard for you and leave you looking perkier, more streamlined, and more fabulous than any of those gimmicky undergarments.  Leave those to Kate Hudson.

4.  Carry your chest with confidence and don’t allow your chest to carry you.  Some bustier lasses are susceptible to wearing turtlenecks every day, maintaining poor posture, or insisting on buying everything a size too big in order to detract from their chest.  Unfortunately for those women, such tendencies not only draw more attention to their ample assets, but they expose the discomfort with which they carry themselves.  The girls I know that carry larger chests the best have excellent posture and wear figure-flattering, tailored clothes, and own their chests with dignity.  Trust me, if you do those things, no one will mistake you for an Atlantic City coin slot.

Be proud of who you are- inside and out (no matter how far out they go)!

17 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized